Broken....

      This morning David and James decided to take apart one of their toy cars... well actually a Hummer. They were so excited to see the insides. I on the other hand was displeased but the vehicle was beyond repair at this point so there was no point in stepping in. They had the top torn off, the sides, and all the wires hanging out. This thing was in pieces. Simply put, it was broken.
      Broken. Wow. What a word. When I think of broken I think of something you either fix or discard. This toy was seriously broken. After awhile of them playing with it, and then when little pieces began to scatter all throughout the kitchen it was time to make a decision to either fix or discard it. I told the boys it was time to throw it away. Sad, they asked me to put it back together, but it was beyond repair. A little while later, it was thrown away.

     Broken. Today I had a time of brokenness. I had a time of realizing just how truly broken I am on the inside. I have been battling food allergies for months on end (which feels like an eternity). They keep getting worse but I have had no answers. With an appointment coming tomorrow I looked forward to getting answers and actually eating again. Then came word, that was not going to happen. BROKEN. Yes, it all came out. I cried, and cried and cried. I think my dogs thought I was dying or something as I buried my head  and wailed out tears of brokenness to my God. Asking God to please heal me! Asking God please take this away. Thanking God for what I KNEW He was going to do. Broken. Then God placed on my heart in my time of distress a song that reached within the pit of brokenness, and spoke life into me. The song is entitled "Hungry."

The song is simple, and yet the words are so profound. Take a moment and listen to them: 

Hungry, I come to You

For I know You satisfy

I am empty but I know

Your love does not run dry 

Chorus:

So I wait for You

So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees

Offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart 

Is living for

Broken, I run to You 

For Your arms are open wide

I am weary but I know

Your touch restores my life

Chorus

I'm falling on my knees

Offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart 

Is living for

Hungry, I come to You

For I know You satisfy

I am empty but I know

Your love does not run dry 

     Today in my brokenness I ran to Christ. I asked friends to pray for me. I called my husband and said I needed his prayers in this situation. The ONLY one who could handle this was God. My husband knew how much this has been weighing on my heart and has been an issue, but I honestly do not believe he knew the depth to which it has broken me down inside. I did not realize it until today. 

     I am thankful though, that I serve a God who can heal the broken! I may look like that toy car. I may have that rough exterior like the Hummer toy. I may seem to "have it all together" at different times. But as this whole battle over the last 9 months or so has worn me down, I have become broken. My insides began to slowly come through, I became exposed. With every part of my mental and emotional being borne to my God, the wires of my nerves and fears and doubts hanging and pulled out.... all like that toy.... I was broken. But I have a God-confidence, that my God is my HEALER, my SUPPLIER, my FATHER! He is not going to leave me hanging. He is not going to pick me up, look at me and say, "She is beyond repair" and throw me away. No, my God has picked me up, and He will continue to pick me up, and hold me in His arms and comfort me, He will love me, and He will carry me through this. 

     I am so thankful for God to put this all in perspective today, that in my deepest point of need, at one of my lowest lows, He was there. Thank you Jesus.